For when I thought I already knew what life is, I realized I was dumb. The concept of 'Young,Wild and Free' that I heard in a popular song was not my forte but it was something that secretly wished my life was. It never happened. I still dread the day that I could be like my classmates; Extrovert, Adventurous, Skinny, Attractive and amazingly witty. I wasn't. I repeatedly say that I am not in that thing, but I secretly want to be others. I want to be like my friends. I couldn't compete to them nor could I join them, so I left. I felt sorry for myself, felt unwanted and even fear that I might ruin my friendship with others because I was jealous of who they are. In that decision alone, I felt a hollow in my heart, I was lonely again like what I felt when I was bullied during my 1st year of high school. I am graduating this year, leaving high school with the ambiguous feeling. At this time around, I busied myself haggling on universities and colleges. In my diary, I kept a list of course that I want. The problem being is that, I don't have the IQ of a rocket scientist nor the creative power of a struggling artist. The only thing I knew I was good at was communication like speaking and writing. So I figured that Literature or Mass Communications might be the right course for me. However, it is not the field that my parents are willing to pay for. Both of my parents want me to be like my sisters. They want me to be a lawyer or any licensed white-collar. Up to this day, my views about lawyers remained the same. They are cunts. Maybe because this is how I saw my sister and my brother-in-law, but there was more. Not on the personal note, but I look at them as cunts. Entering medicine, is also an appealing field, but my mediocre intelligence might be overwhelmed. I am 16, a fourth year high school, and is excited about what lies ahead as I will embark to college. I had a lot of expectations as well, blissful expectations like a naïve girl envisioning a happy married life. It was a pity that my sister is no longer around to orient me about the perks and perils of college or help me apply. I never paid attention to my sister's college life, but I was aware it was tough especially that she took Medical Technology for almost 8 years. I also had no friend to talk about my college woes. My friend, Rona Tan, who did not continue high school was more likely to dodge any conversation that includes my personal woes. I couldn't find anyone to confide it since I abandoned my friends. I told my mother that I might not get into college yet until I figure out what I want but she said no. I understood where she is coming from because they are old and ill. My 83 year old father's pension is what sustains my education. Daddy was hospitalized last November in which case, he survived. I believe that even after college, he will live and attend my graduation. Daddy is a strong man, he was an army man and survived death many times. I grew desperate running on Google searches about the courses that I want. I asked my sister who is currently in Doha but she insisted to get a course in science and take up law. At one point, I have decided to stop thinking about it until I graduate from high school. My social life suffered. I saw myself floating into one circle to another, hoping for acceptance, then I was. I found myself to a collection of people who share the same mindset as I have and the group that I always dream having whenever I read Candy Magazine. We discovered and explored art, love, intellect and humor. We held sleepovers during Christmas break and the experience was awesome. What was best was, we talk about what we feel about going to college. The boys in the group aimed for an ambitious one. Engineering and Information Technology was a popular choice. I was a nut for Science-Fiction, but I am afraid my IQ won't agree if I choose a science and math based course. Sometimes, when I watch an Emmerich film, I daydream myself as a badass genius scientist who saves the earth. Or when I watch Grey's Anatomy, I daydream myself to be a miracle Doctor. The list goes on like nuclear physicist or some brainiac who does cool shit. The girls in my group however was diverse. One wanted to enter criminology, the others was the softer and sweeter ones like education, business administration and HRM. When I was asked, I don't what I would say. I said if I couldn't decide then I might choose Mass Communication as my undergrad and sign up for law school. The other guy said that I might want to consider something like industrial arts like fashion design, theater or interior design because he noticed I am a bit stylish and artistic enough. I know I wasn't especially about fashion but I thought why not. I read fashion magazines like Cosmopolitan (yes, even when I was still in primary school),Total Girl, Seventeen and Candy Magazine that might qualify me as a budding fashion designer. Fashion was just something that entertained me during summers when American Top Model and Runway airs on ETC. I did my research again and peeled a page from Candy Magazine recommending different universities and campuses for students of different tastes. Raffles Institute was the one I picked because it was a little bit cheaper than School of Arts and Fashion. Not only that, the campus was located in Bonifacio Global City in Taguig. I once visited BGC and it was quiet and greener like Baguio but a hip city. Think of it as the Los Angeles of California. I showed my mother and father like I was reporting a proposition and they agreed. I sent my application to the institute and have regularly emailed the office in charge and helped me to avail a boarding house. I was terribly excited that I told my new friends about it. That time, I still didn't believe my mother's only superstition in life: NEVER MOUTH YOUR PLANS AND GOALS BECAUSE IT WILL JINX. It was illogical to believe in superstition.
I sit in class everyday but my mind wanders to a reverie. Myself, a fashion and interior design student. That TV show in 2010, Ruby, played in my mind. She was a fashion design student and was a bit of avant-grade to her clothing choices. I thought of myself like her. "I can wear whatever I want!", my heart shouts. Since I will be in Manila, my social life will resurrect. I want high school to end already. During weekends, if I am not needed by my mother, I will watch American college themed movies. I am very in love with the concept of attending classes with a laptop to take notes like how Elle Woods do it. Also, being involved with extracurricular activities that gives me a ticket away from a mundane student life. Probably to resuscitate my social life.
This 2012 is probably a good year. I've been finding myself in friends' houses practicing for our group projects, doing group projects, watching movies and anything at all that don't involve alcohol. It was a healthy and fun relationship with this group I got mixed in. Sometime in myself, I wish it would forever be like this. During these months, I found myself in a limited, congested time of utopia. I always find myself daydreaming, planning, visualizing and off course, more writing. I haven't even considered what my parents feel since their other daughter just left a year prior and now they will see me go to a distant city. A city of possibilities, in which they believe it would do me more bad than good. Then it happened. I don't know what to feel. Still, my family is still my number one priority, so I guess the decisions I am forced to make is worth it.
The author, Elley Sapling, didn't make it for Raffles Institute because of a Pneumonia and shitty events on the start of 2012 like brother's death and mother's confinement to hospital and bed (2012 was the most awaited year famous to bring an apocalyptic phenomenon, I guess, that was metaphorically in a way, apocalyptic) when enrollment was going on.
Instead, she attended University of the Cordilleras (where her parents met) and picked a course randomly which is unfortunately, BS Psychology. She was welcomed to the world of rationalizing human behaviors and stupid people asking,"Can you read my mind?" Everyday, she wore different kind of ill-matched pieces that provokes a lot of insults. On some days, her outfits are cute that provokes a minute of envy. On rainy days, she secretly wore her pajama as her inner top. She also wore tsinelas before it was not allowed. She didn't experience partying or even beer pong but only occasional drinking sessions. She didn't join extracurricular activities. She was disrespected by her classmates. She finds comfort in a small 3 by 3 feet space in UC that she never felt at home: The Loo. She loves to shit there. She enjoyed sleepovers and movie nights. She built friendships that was founded on the love of adult comic books. She is to graduate this year, hopefully. Elley is satisfied.
