The 'Smart is the new sexy' is becoming everyone's life philosophy
and proof of that is wearing chunky, 20th-century specs. This can be your
only chance to save your social life; to become a true blue
pseudo-intellectual!
1. WARDROBE CHANGE
Time to open your Oro can box or your dorm wardrobe and start
segregating your clothes. To be seen as an intellectual should reflect on
your lifestyle. People who dress like a Victorian are a sure-fire way to be intellectually seductive. Throw away those statement shirts and start digging the ukay-ukay
box for these:
- Turtleneck shirts (to be worn even if it is summer)
- Coats, Dinner jackets
- Cashmere (to be worn on hot days)
- A big, fluffy large knitted scarf to cover your whole face
- A beanie that will just hang at the back of your useless head
- A coat pocket watch
- Hipster specs that come in square or round shape
Or if not. If the fashion tastes seem mainstream to you with
other hipsters, then why not try grabbing your white curtain and wrapping it around
your body? Make Socrates your style peg. Though don't point me if the
police jail you for public indecency.
2. BE INTERESTED ONLY IN 'SMART TOPICS
As a pseudo-intellectual--I'm sorry. As an intellectual, you
should commit to a smarter subject. What's the point of being smart if you
don't know shit about anything smart right? Be on the hunt on talking about topics that happy,
true intellectual people don't necessarily want to talk about and just want to talk about how to make
their own wine. Topics such as Marxism, Politics, Astrology, and Science Facts. Stray from afternoon gossip.
Also, hide away when analysis about statistics and logic arises. Debates are
red flags because no one negates your knowledge.
Even if some bits of it are not familiar to other people,
right? Always regurgitate ideas that clearly not even you understand. When a
friend complains about Panadero bakeshop's losing quality taste of bread, talk
about philosophies of marketing instead. If your mother complains about a
throbbing headache and asks you to buy a mefenamic acid, try to psychoanalyze
her saying that what she is feeling is purely somatic. Inject philosophical or
psychological topics into mundane conversations. Make sure you could get a pass
on it without people hitting on your head. The key is to fake confidence even
if you surely don't know what the fuck you are talking about.
3. BE THE SAPIOSEXUAL'S, TRUE LOVE
Remind to him or
her why they were attracted to you at first, pointing out that they are
sapiosexuals. Instead of dirty talk,, even more, when you whisper these to
their ears; "I'll turn you over like how the communists overthrew
capitalism." Hot, isn't it? Or, imitate John Nash from the film Beautiful
Mind where his pick-up line to get laid was; "Can we exchange
fluids?" The first time he said it, he earned a slap. The second time he
said it to Alicia, he earned a kiss, marriage, and lifetime support.
Irritate-- I mean-- heighten the sexual excitement by
moaning "Aaaaah-Aristotle!", "Oh-Ohhh-Orwell!", and
"Mmmm-Marxism!". By the way, remind them of your opinion about marriage
mumbo-jumbo. Consistency is key even in love even if it's a tad cold.
4. MAINSTREAM
Hate everything that is on trend. Be a fucking killjoy that
everyone would have the joy to kill you someday. Remember the magic words,
"I did/have/been doing that even before it was cool." Pfft, these
meek sheep of trend slaves, right? They never know how to be unique. Your guide here is the shitty quotes about
uniqueness and deviation from normal. Hell, even being a human is so mainstream
you will choose to be a Cro-Magnon. Speaking about the past, explore trends
from yesteryears before they become mainstream again. Nobody's doing the Jazz Era yet
and so is the Depression Era, World War 2 era, or the bloody French Revolution
if you are feeling like having a side trip to yester-centuries or even
yester-eons if you are crazy enough.
5. SKILLS
What is with the pretentiousness without assessing what
other skills you have other than your fake confidence? You need to
show even for just a slight that you are just no talk. Do some actual effort to
know piano keys for a piece of a song then claim you've been playing since
you're a child. Do some research about facts about Beethoven, Mozart, or Chopin
even if it obviously came from a bogus meme claiming to be a ‘fact'. Give the impression to people that you are familiar with a foreign language by quoting
Latin words, French phrases, or local Japanese words as captions.
6. SELF-MEDIA STAGE
What better way to flaunt your pseudo-intellectualism is to
put it on the virtual world stage? You can air your complaints about politics
on Twitter. With Facebook, share Existentialist Jokes even if you don't get the
jokes. On Instagram, make your photos look artsy and a total eyesore by
overdoing the filters. If not, the safest filters are grey scales to make it sad but not as sad as your life. Make sure when
you type captions or write on that blank, always inject a highfalutin word or any foreign phrase or expression. Create
a blog to make yourself feel like the intellectual blog sites you share. Also,
be particular about your profile pictures. Make sure your pose looks poignant
and pondering. If you opt to copy Rodin's The Thinker, be my guest. Or your
favorite philosophers like Camus or Sartre that you've never read who have
cigarettes and pipes dangling on their lips.
